Chronic Pain, I'm in charge now.
In all honesty I never liked you, yet I've held onto you all these years. Like a bad relationship you've got under my skin, taken over my thoughts & dominated my life. Its been over 10 years now & I can't remember my world before you came along. I can't recall how it feels to walk or sit without pain, I watch people walk by & wonder what it would feel like to have a healthier body, one that doesn't feel discomfort, that would be so weird its almost frightening, I guess we get use to how things are & anything new can unnerve you because it feels to good to be true, chronic pain can suck the life out of any hope you had before because there's no let up, its there poking & prodding at you every single day, like a bully that wants to make your life a misery or it is?.
I used to feel angry, why me? what have I done to deserve this? Jheeze I was a total victim, fully consumed with my situation I couldn't see past the pain, past the negative thoughts that were plaguing me every single day. I cried a lot, I felt helpless that i'd be stuck like this my whole life. Losing lots of your long flowing hair & dropping 3 stone in a week or so when you've no weight to lose is so scary. I've been tested over & over by the universe, you just want to scream, what more do you want from me??. The anger soon becomes sadness as you fall to the floor because you are so drained you cant find the energy to feel anger, it takes too much energy.
Feeling isolated is the worst, more than the pain in fact. I know when i'm really bad because music becomes unbearable, the noise it to much, yet I love music, I love to dance everywhere I go, supermarket, walking on the street, anywhere actually, my teenagers are regularly embarrassed. But, my soul can't dance when the pain & discomfort is flowing through the whole of my body. My world freezes, my body comes to an abrupt stop & anxiety starts to creep in. My light goes out & I become a shell of the person I am. It's so frustrating but I can't fight it, its not a battle you can win, you have to rest & be kind to yourself.
I realise now that I owned the chronic pain, it was my pain, my this, my that. I gave it all my attention like a naughty child, I allowed it to control my life like a narcissist partner, I give it full permission to dim my light & rip out my soul. Over & over again. What a fool I was, totally & utterly hoodwinked into believing this is my life now. Now I fully realise that my whole being needed my attention, that I needed to slow down, heal from the past & listen to my body. I'm not blaming the pain for that, its appeared to make me aware, I know that. For that I am grateful.. " Thank you Pain" said through gritted teeth, lol.
Well, I'm sorry to tell you pain, but I woke up & I don't need you anymore. Your job is complete & I understand now that I was focusing on the wrong thing. My eyes are wide awake & I see you for what you are. You are not what I thought you were, you weren't here to take my life away. You appeared to strip my world bare so I could build a better one. You came to teach me, not to bully me, I misread an opportunity for a personal attack. You've taught me a deep feeling of compassion for everyone I meet, you've showed me the suffering people endure & because of that every little positive moment in my life is like a huge bright light. The birds sing louder, the sky looked bluer & I see an opportunity to feel joy everyday.
My husband thought I was crazy going outside when it started raining, he said "Get inside you'll get wet & you've just come out of hospital" All I could think of was, but I can feel the rain & that means I'm alive. Its like my inner child has been reborn, I feel a wisdom inside me sparked from my journey from hell yet a totally pure insentience in my daily actions at the same time. I guess that's growth well, its my growth, my journey, my experience & i'm grateful the pain became apart of my life, as its made me the person I am today. The best teachers allow you to learn in your own time & stand on the side lines to keep you on track.
If you're reading this & pain has taken over your life, know that you are not alone i'm right by your side. My advice is start to listen to the pain & nurture those parts of you. Don't lock onto the pain as your enemy or you'll miss the opportunity to heal. Take a deep breath, each each day as it comes & let go of the blame, the wondering why & frustration. You'll be okay, I know you will because I've gone through it & I can tell you things will get easier if you allow it to.
So I've got it from here, farewell from me chronic pain & thank you, because of you I've found a freedom that is untouchable unless you've visited that dark place. Now the light streams brighter that every & I can feel it in every cell of my body. Its enlightened a fire in my soul, woke up my spirit & given me a grateful heart for every morning my eyes open.
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